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Eisele Cunningham

Monday Mornings

You’re So Vain 

I tattooed your named just above my heart 

No it wasn’t love that made me do this

It wasn’t for license 

It wasn’t drugs 

I tattooed your named just above my heart 

No, Not to think of you

But as reminder of lessons learned  

Rambling

I suppose I could search for the space where it all went wrong, but who has time for that?

Sad we can’t put “life’s mistakes” in the GPS destination section, that would make it all just too easy, right. Well, I’m questioning things- I have before, but I was young then- not old now, but older. I recall being filled with stamina, I had power, I was resilient! All that and my circumstances were shit. Seventeen, in college, one bedroom apartment- two jobs. A mother, a brother and a sister who I never saw, who never called me, never cared to ask me, 

 “Are you okay?” 

Maybe I didn’t want them too. I’ll confess I was driven by the repacious thought,

       “Oh, I’ll show them.”

Thought I was making all the right choices, no, thought I’d made all the right choices: Education, career, fitness, held off on love- that just slows you down.

Now I only hate myself for becoming lazy and then convincing myself I was just comfortable.

Called God, because I was looking for some help. He mentioned it’s been a long time since he’s heard from me. I replied,

  “I’ve been a little busy…” 

His reply was a phlegmatic, 

            “I’m very busy.” 

I understood- I didn’t make time for him and I mean there’s an entire world out there and it’s current condition isn’t harmonious or pretty.

So what is my complaint? Ah- I’d much rather look for an answer. And as gut wrenching as the following truth is: You will not find any at the bottom of a bottle.

I could kill myself, but that would hurt- me and the people around me that seem to care. Hmmm… I’ve got it! I’ll go to sleep. The nightmares shouldn’t be so bad. Oh, or perhaps they’ll kill me. 

Decisions… Deciding… No solution. 

Just time passed. 

Torn

No sleep                                  

                                (I Didn’t drink)

No sex 
I’ve even vowed not to touch myself

Lay over the bed 

Eyes closed 

Purpose: refocus

Relax

Recalcitrant habits poke my incorrigible actions

The part of me momma raised screams,
“DO NOT DO IT!” 

                                “Do it anyway…” 

Says the part of me, dad said I’ll always be. 

As Rose Peddles Fall

She loved him, he loved her not. 
She trusted him, he trusted her not. 
She would battle until her death if there was a war he fought 

He’d allow her to fight

Die alone 

She had his named tattooed near her heart- 

She would say; “I do.”

He, would not. 

How could she, so beautiful, irrevocably love this cruel man? 

Because no one else did.

Dreams 

“Do you know who I am?


I am the man with the voice which makes angels weep. 

The body of Micheal Angelo’s dexterous hands and creative thinking. 

Eyes that encourage trust

And Mona Lisa’s smile.

I am so wealthy, Croesus bares envy. 

I have an added generosity with which Mother Teresa could not compete.

My love rivals Shakespeare’s writing…

I’m a greater champion than Phelps 

I am more cunning than the Grey Wolf 

And docile like the Butterfly

I am a child at heart.

I am a teacher. 

I am a friend 

Do you know who I am?” 

Sanity

What would I want the world to know about me today?

I made someone laugh and that made me smile. 

Without complaint worked under tremendous pressure- getting the job done.

I sweat a great deal.

Accepted a hug form an old acquaintance. 

Made a healthy choice for both breakfast and lunch.

Someone was rude to me- I placed it out of my head

And paid the next two people who made eye contact with me a well deserved compliment.

What would I possibly keep from the world today? 

That I prayed I wasn’t the only person in the holding on to a morale of sanity.

Rambling (In My Absence)

You Must know how to listen to hear me…

The Leap

If I were hurting, would you comfort me?

If I was lost, would you look for me?

No motive lace my questions-

Just…

Reply honestly.

Would your hands reach for mine even though I am miles away? 

Would you speak my name to me if I’ve forgotten-

If I were wrong would you correct me?

Will we remember love is more easily torn away then it is rebuilt- replaced?

I’ll remember your special cigarettes;

You remember my favorite drink.

We both have so many lessons to learn… 

Are you ready?

And Someone Else

I came home this evening
And nothing felt as it should

I sat down to pour myself a drink 
With my pen and a pad next to me 

I wanted to say harsh words 

Why 

When later I’d apologize  

I prepared a meal for only myself in the kitchen 

I knew you wouldn’t be coming home this evening  

So without protest I ate alone 

I go to my bedroom 

It smelled of you… 

And someone else 

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