I suppose I could search for the space where it all went wrong, but who has time for that?
Sad we can’t put “life’s mistakes” in the GPS destination section, that would make it all just too easy, right. Well, I’m questioning things- I have before, but I was young then- not old now, but older. I recall being filled with stamina, I had power, I was resilient! All that and my circumstances were shit. Seventeen, in college, one bedroom apartment- two jobs. A mother, a brother and a sister who I never saw, who never called me, never cared to ask me,
“Are you okay?”
Maybe I didn’t want them too. I’ll confess I was driven by the repacious thought,
“Oh, I’ll show them.”
Thought I was making all the right choices, no, thought I’d made all the right choices: Education, career, fitness, held off on love- that just slows you down.
Now I only hate myself for becoming lazy and then convincing myself I was just comfortable.
Called God, because I was looking for some help. He mentioned it’s been a long time since he’s heard from me. I replied,
“I’ve been a little busy…”
His reply was a phlegmatic,
“I’m very busy.”
I understood- I didn’t make time for him and I mean there’s an entire world out there and it’s current condition isn’t harmonious or pretty.
So what is my complaint? Ah- I’d much rather look for an answer. And as gut wrenching as the following truth is: You will not find any at the bottom of a bottle.
I could kill myself, but that would hurt- me and the people around me that seem to care. Hmmm… I’ve got it! I’ll go to sleep. The nightmares shouldn’t be so bad. Oh, or perhaps they’ll kill me.
Decisions… Deciding… No solution.
Just time passed.